


Bittersweet

by riseofthefallenone



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Hand Jobs, Purgatory, between ending of season 7 and beginning of season 8, more like purGAYtory amirite, twist on canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7161872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riseofthefallenone/pseuds/riseofthefallenone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lot can happen between a man and his angel when they’re trapped in Purgatory for a year. Dean spends that year searching for Cas. Emotions are running high when Dean finally finds him again and poor Benny is subject to hearing more than he likely wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift fic to [toomanyships-sendhelp](https://toomanyships-sendhelp.tumblr.com).

Castiel’s feet slip in the mud and he falls, his hip taking the brunt of his weight before he starts skidding down the short hill. Any grunt that might have been forced out of him when he reaches the bottom is drowned out by the water that breaks his fall. It’s not very deep and it will help wash the mud from his clothes, but it’s impeding his escape. The Leviathan are hot on his tail, pacing through the underbrush and trees that make up the majority of Purgatory.

As long as they’re here – as long as they’re following _him_ and not Dean – then he will run from them to the ends of this plane of existence. His grace is strained here; a shadow of what it had been on Heaven and on Earth. Yet it is still a shining beacon to the Leviathan and they want it. They want him – the vessel that bore them for that all too short time. It’s Castiel’s fault that he’s here, and he could have been completely fine if it was only him. But Dean is here too and it’s physical ache in his chest that Castiel has to stay away from him.

There was no doubt in his mind that Dean would be able to survive here, but it still hurts to not be able to be at his side and protect him from everything. If the Leviathan weren’t the biggest threat imaginable here, Castiel would never have left Dean alone. When Dean started praying to him shortly after Castiel ran to protect him, he considered it a blessing and a curse. It was a confirmation that Dean was alive, but the prayers cause the ache in his chest to get worse.

With his feet slipping and sliding on the rocking bottom of the river, Castiel makes his way across it. He marks the location in his mental map to come back for a drink later – or, at the very least, a bath. The overwhelming pressure of Purgatory has formed a buffer between his grace and his body. He is no longer able to keep his clothing pristine or his body unchanged. If he really wanted to, he could fix everything with just a thought. But he has to consciously focus his grace lower than usual if only to keep the Leviathan from being able to find him so easily.

Any use of his grace draws them to him. The only time Castiel uses it now is to deal with the lesser creatures that try to pick a fight with him. He smites them with a touch and runs to avoid the Leviathan that always show up from just that small outburst. Even with all his time here, he’s hasn’t been able to find the chance to stop and fashion a weapon for himself. His grace doesn’t work on Leviathans and even with his various combat skills, he can’t do anything to them without a blade of some kind.

_Cas, you got your ears on?_

No, not _now_. Castiel clenches his teeth and tries not to focus on the voice swimming to the surface at the back of his head. Dean is praying to him and it’s always such a distraction. The worst time for it is when he’s running for his life. It takes far too much of Castiel’s concentration to keep himself from flying to Dean’s side whenever he prays.

_C’mon, Cas. Would it kill you to give me a sign? Just one to say that you’re alright? That you’re still here?_

Yes, yes it would. It would kill him _and_ it would kill Dean. Castiel grits his teeth and does his best to ignore Dean’s prayers as he climbs from the river. His shoes squish water out with every step as he runs through the trees. If he can just find a place to hide, he can bring his grace down to nothing and maybe escape the Leviathans on his tail right now. Then and only then will he be safe enough to suffer through the rest of Dean’s prayer.

_Whoever – whatever nabbed you when we got here – I know you can beat it, Cas. You’re not just gone. I know you’re not._

Dean just believes in him so much and Castiel’s chest aches. Nothing _took_ him and if Dean ever finds that out, he’s going to be so very hurt by it. Castiel puts his hand over the pain and presses at it, trying to make it go away. There’s desperation in those prayers – a longing wrapped around every word. He wants nothing more than to be at Dean’s side now, but he _can’t_. Dean needs to stay safe and this is the only way he can do it – as regrettable as that is.

That said, he never should have underestimated Dean’s tenacity. It’s not more than a few days later when Dean finds him crouched at the edge of that same river.

****

“I’m surprised that you need to sleep.” Castiel looks down at where Dean is making himself comfortable – or as comfortable as one can get when lying on the cold hard stone floor of a cave. “I was under the impression that Purgatory’s composition kept its inhabitants from needing to eat or sleep.”

Dean stretches out right next to him, aligning himself with his leg. “I don’t _need_ to sleep. I just _want_ to.” Without any shame, he wraps an arm around Castiel’s leg and essentially cuddles up to it. “I need a fucking break from this place and sleep is the only way I can get it.”

A hum of agreement comes from the opening of the cave. Castiel doesn’t trust the Vampire that Dean has apparently befriended, but he’ll tolerate him as long as Dean is _friends_ with him. Granted, it has been explained to him that this _Benny_ character has been watching Dean’s back for half the year. He was doing what Castiel couldn’t and that bitter tang on the back of his tongue could very well be jealousy. Benny was doing what Castiel wished he could – though he knows that the Leviathan were a far greater threat than anything else here.

“Alright.” Castiel’s leans back against the wall with a sigh. “But why do you need to hold on to me while you sleep?” It’s not like he actually minds it or anything. In fact, it could even be said that he welcomes it. But Castiel just doesn’t understand why Dean has been so very touchy-feely since he found him again.

“Because if you zap out, you’re gonna be taking me with you.” Dean winds his other arm around Castiel’s leg too, now completely hugging it. “I’m not letting you leave me behind again.”

Oh.

When they first met, Castiel merely filled out the form of Jimmy Novak. Now Jimmy is long gone and this body belongs to Castiel completely. The heart beating inside of it is his, but crushing it won’t kill him. It won’t even cause him much pain, if at all. Despite that, the ache behind his ribs is _very_ distressing. He had anticipated that Dean would be upset with his absence regardless of how necessary it was, but Castiel had not been prepared for how much he would be affected by that unhappiness.

“I’m not leaving again, Dean.” His hand is surprisingly steady as he moves to rest on Dean’s shoulder. “I promise I’ll go to the exit with you.”

Although he has no plans to actually _leave_ with him – but Dean doesn’t need to know about that. He won’t understand this need for penance that Castiel has. Or maybe he might, considering the base aspects of Dean’s personality. It could be that he’ll understand, but he just won’t accept it.

“Damn right you are.” Dean huffs and squeezes Castiel’s leg tightly. “I get why you left the first time around, but I’m still pissed.”

“I know.” Castiel pats his shoulder and Dean makes a disgruntled sound.

He sits up suddenly, though he keeps a hand on Castiel’s thigh. “Do you, though? Do you _really_ understand why I’m pissed, Cas?”

It’s hard to meet his eyes and Castiel looks down at his hands instead. “I do.”

“A year, Cas. I prayed to you every day for a fucking _year_.” His voice takes a hard edge to it. “I spent a year not knowing what the fuck happened to you. Do you know how many times I thought you might be _dead_ – that I was left here _alone_? Do you have any idea how fucking _worried_ I was?”

Castiel has the feeling that any answer will not be welcomed, but he still can’t stop himself from making sure Dean knows one thing. “I was worried too.”

He lifts his head and straightens his shoulders. No matter how angry Dean gets, Castiel will _not_ regret his decisions here. “You have _no_ idea how much I wanted to answer your prayers but couldn’t because I needed to keep you safe from the Leviathan. I welcomed your prayers for being the only way I had to know that you were alive, but I hated them for how hard it was to keep myself from returning to you.”

“Then you should’ve just come back.” Dean hisses, leaning forward and breaking every _personal space_ rule he’s ever put into place. “I told you in my prayers that there was a way out. That I could get us _both_ out of here. We could have left _ages_ ago if you had just –”

“I _couldn’t_ , Dean.” He snaps back. Why can’t he just accept this? “You wouldn’t have been safe with me. You aren’t safe with me _now_ but you’re too stubborn to listen to that. Even if you don’t care about your safety, _I do_.”

Dean’s other hand comes up to grip the front of Castiel’s shirt, stained with a year’s worth of dirt and blood and sweat. “You think I don’t care, Cas? It’s _because_ I care that I’m still here. I could have left your feathered ass here, but I didn’t because I _care_ so fucking much.”

That brings Castiel to pause. He is well aware of his own motives for keeping Dean safe. It’s his _feelings_ that make this vessel ache whenever anything happens where Dean is concerned. But the way Dean is speaking makes him wonder – does he care because he shares in these feelings? Is it possible? He knows that Dean considers him to be like family to him, but – But now is as good a time to find out the answer to all these questions. It’s not like he’s going to have the chance to do it after they find the exit.

“Why?” Castiel reaches up to grab a handful of Dean’s jacket too. “ _Why_ do you care so much?”

The anger doesn’t dissipate from Dean’s expression, but it does look like the question catches him off guard. He stares Castiel down while maintaining the _very_ small space between them. It’s like Dean no longer has any regard for personal space. In fact, if he thinks back, Dean hasn’t complained about that in a very – Actually, he can’t remember the last time Dean told him he was standing too close. Castiel has never really paid much attention to it or made the effort to stay out of Dean’s space, but he knows Dean has to some extent.

Further reflection about Dean’s flip-flopping on that one rule comes to a sudden stop as Dean makes an incredulous noise. “You really don’t know, Cas?”

He frowns, eyebrows coming together. “Know what?” Castiel has his suspicions – has his _hopes_ – but he doesn’t want to mention any of them in case he might be wrong.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Dean sighs and shakes his head.

Before Castiel can object to the insult, he finds his mouth suddenly very busy by no action of his own. While Dean’s eyes are very much closed, Castiel’s eyes wide and staring at nothing in particular because Dean is far too close to see too much. But what he can’t see, Castiel can feel. He can feel Dean’s lips against his own, softer than expected. Because of the anger he was displaying moments ago, Castiel had assumed that if Dean did anything it would have been rough and anything _but_ this gentle thing he’s getting right now.

After a moment that feels like an eternity, Dean draws back. “ _That’s_ why.”

There are so many reasons why Castiel shouldn’t show Dean a positive reaction to that kiss. If he allows a romantic relationship to form between them, Dean would be exposed to all manner of new dangers. He’s already lost count of how many people have tried to use the Winchesters against him purely because they knew he favoured them as his friends. His feelings for Dean are ones that he has closely guarded since they developed, though many already know that Castiel is particularly fond of him.

Be that as it may, Castiel is not as strong as he tries to be. His will is weak; evident by how his free hand comes to cup Dean’s cheek. “ _You’re_ the fucking idiot.”

Dean’s smile is like true sunshine finally lighting the bleak gray of Purgatory. Any manner of sleep seems to be forgotten as he throws a leg over Castiel’s lap to straddle it. He wraps his arms around Castiel’s shoulders and drags him in for another kiss. _Here_ is the rough touch that was expected before. It almost verges on desperate going purely by its fervor. There is nothing _slow_ or learning about this. Dean kisses him with a purpose, with years’ worth of pent up emotions.

The last thing Castiel expects is for Dean to pull back and hiss another man’s name. “Benny.”

A grunt of acknowledgement comes from the front of the cave. “I’m not lookin’, brother.”

“Out.”

“Fine, fine.” Benny sighs and Castiel can see from the corner of his eye as he gets up and ducks out of the mouth of the cave.

The moment he’s gone, Dean leans in again but Castiel turns his face away. Dean stops before he ends up kissing his cheek. “Cas?” Confusion fills his voice and he goes rigid. He’s just moments from pulling away completely and that’s not at all what Castiel wants – even if it’s what they should do.

Castiel looks back to Dean, unsurprised to find uncertainty there. Dean’s hands slide to rest on Castiel’s shoulders and he leans back slightly. “You don’t want this.”

“I don’t recall saying that.” To prove that he wants Dean where he is, he wraps his arms around his waist to keep him from leaving. “But I don’t know what you want from me here. You sent Benny out, but he has seen you sleep while holding on to me several times now. Is kissing any different than that or are you planning for more?”

That seems to make Dean pause. He blinks at Castiel a few times before shrugging. “I dunno, man. I was planning ahead, I guess. We make out a bit and then if things head down that road, we have the chance to take it or not. Either way, Benny won’t be seeing a damn thing regardless.”

Interesting. Castiel tilts his head and contemplates what to ask about next. “My true form is hardly human, Dean. I may be more suited to this vessel now that it’s mine, but I’m not human. I have no gender, but this body is still male. Is that acceptable to you?”

Dean’s frown runs deep and his confusion turns into a glare. “Dude.” He rolls his eyes and purposefully wiggles his hips. “I am literally _sitting_ in your _lap_. If you weren’t _acceptable_ to me, d’you think that I’d be doing this right now?” He leans in suddenly until their noses touch. “Y’think I would’ve _kissed_ you if guys turned me off? Or if I hadn’t already decided that I don’t give a shit that you’re not human?”

Not really, no. Dean doesn’t do things half-assed, as he would say. There is always plenty of thought put into his actions because he knows the weight that they could carry. It was a completely valid concern to have, but Castiel really should have known better. Now he knows that Dean potentially cares for him in a romantic sense _and_ he desires Castiel physically. Whatever happens from this point forward is going to drastically change their relationship. Is that something Castiel is willing to do?

This may not be the most appropriate of locations, but he could make some nice memories of Dean here. It would be something for him to look back on fondly while he’s spending the rest of eternity trapped in Purgatory with the Leviathan on his trail. That’s what decides it for him. Castiel can’t let this chance pass. Not when he knows it will likely be the only one he’ll ever have.

After that, the kisses fluctuate on a spectrum. Sometimes when they pause for Dean to breathe, they’ll be slow and soft between each breath. Or Dean will shove Castiel back against the stone of the cave wall and kiss him with the desperation of a dying man. Sometimes Castiel is the one who initiates the change between them by bringing a hand to Dean’s face or by licking his way into Dean’s mouth.

The sensations caused by kissing Dean are some of the best he’s ever felt. It makes his body feel hot and his grace trembles with the closest he’s felt to happiness in a very long time. Dean makes soft, pleased sounds into every kiss – quiet moans and whispers of Castiel’s name. And Dean is the first to take it a step further. His hands are the first to sneak under the tattered hem of Castiel’s shirt. His fingers are surprisingly warm and they tentatively stroke across bare skin until they come to rest on Castiel’s hips.

Eventually, after Castiel’s lips start tingling just as much as his grace is, Dean pulls back. “We’ve got a problem brewing.”

“We do?” Castiel’s brow furrows in confusion. How could anything that they just did be a problem? That was _lovely_ and he would very much like to kiss Dean for the rest of eternity if he could. But then Dean looks down between them and Castiel follows his gaze. “Oh.”

By Dean’s definition, the erection pushing against the zipper of his jeans is a problem. Castiel can see how it might be classified as one, but they should be able to deal with that easy enough. Until Dean squirms slightly and takes one of his hands back to press down against it. “I dunno how far you wanna go, Cas, but we sure as hell aren’t gonna Brokeback Mountain this shit.”

“I don’t understand that reference.”

Dean rolls his eyes with a sigh. “It means we need prep and some goddamn lube. We’re not doing _anything_ dry, y’got it?”

He’s still not making any sense, though Castiel is aware that he’s alluding to sex. And that begs one question. “Do you want to have sex?”

“Well, yeah.” The way he answers makes it sound so very simple. Dean just shrugs and gives Castiel a lopsided smile. “Eventually. Right now I don’t think we’ve got the tools for it or the time.”

“Wouldn’t sex take less time than a nap?”

Again Dean shrugs. He doesn’t seem to be aware that his hand has started to idly rub against the front of his pants. “Well, yeah, but I like to take my time. The foreplay is the key, y’know? Make it good for the both of us.”

Castiel hums and rests his head against the wall. “Is it normal to go from first kisses straight to sex? Are there no steps between those that we could do now? I don’t think we should stay in one place for too long, and if sex is going to take as long as you’re making it out to be –”

“I get the point, Cas.” Dean interrupts with a sigh and leans forward until his forehead is against Castiel’s shoulder. “I’m just greedy. I want to have all of you _right now_ because who the fuck knows if either one of us will have a tomorrow.”

His way of thinking is completely understandable and Castiel might actually share that feeling. But there is one issue. “We don’t have the required supplies, do we?”

“I mean, we could use good ol’ spit and try it that way, but it won’t be as easy as it would be if we had lube.” Dean runs a hand through his hair and turns the simple gesture into scratching the back of his head. “And, I mean, who’d be the bottom?” A blush rises in his cheeks and he drops his eyes. “I’ve thought about it, y’know?”

“About what?” He’s being adorable and Castiel leans in to nuzzle at the side of his neck. “About having sex with me?”

Dean nods and winds his arms around Castiel’s shoulders again. “Thought about doing you and you doing me and everything in between. Those’re some damn good thoughts too, Cas.

He tilts his head to give more access to his neck. As pleased as Castiel is by that, he withdraws the moment he tries mouthing at the exposed skin of Dean’s throat. It tastes like dirt and dried blood, but even those don’t taste like they probably should. Castiel can taste every molecule that composes them, but he knows what they’re supposed to taste like and it’s not the greatest. He wasn’t to taste _Dean_.

“Sorry.” Dean laughs at the face Castiel makes. “Probably don’t taste too good, huh? I could use a hell of a bath.” He sighs and sags into Castiel’s chest. “And I want to do it proper with you. On a bed where we can be comfortable and shit. God, I miss a real bed.”

His hands start sweeping up and down Dean’s back. “That sounds nice. Do you want to wait then? Wait until we have a bed where we’ll be safe and don’t need to worry about Leviathans?” Castiel is lying through his teeth and making promises he won’t be able to keep, but if it will help Dean decide what to do right now, then it’s fine.

A groan rumbles against his shoulder before he sits back again. “I guess that makes sense.” There’s a pout on his lips and he looks down at the erection in his pants. “But I’m still horny and I wanna see what you look like when you come.” Realization dawns in his eyes and he looks up sharply. “Is that even a thing you can do? Like, are you synced enough with Jimmy’s body to even get hard?”

“Yes, I am.” To prove it, Castiel takes one of Dean’s hands and place it on the front of his own pants. “I might take more time than you because I’m not used to this, but I can absolutely achieve an erection.”

Dean looks down at their hands and flexes his fingers. Goosebumps break across Castiel’s skin and his grace shivers at the feeling. He sucks a breath between his teeth and the sound of it spreads a nearly manic grin across Dean’s face. In an instant, he’s pressing forward and kissing Castiel for all he’s worth. Dean replaces his hand with his hips, sliding forward in Castiel’s lap until every rock of his hips is rubbing his own hard erection against him.

A sound of surprise punches out of him at that feeling. It’s even better than Dean’s hand. Castiel grabs his hips, gripping them tightly to guide Dean into a faster rhythm. He wants to feel _more_. This isn’t the first time that he’s been aroused while in this body, but it feels so much better now that the cause is Dean. The most he can think to compare it to would be fire. His grace and his body are starting to burn. Sweat prickles on his skin as the sensations quickly become overwhelming and he finds little sounds of delight are working their way out of him.

“ _Fuck_ , Cas. Feel so good.” Dean groans into the kiss, panting around each word. “We’re gonna take a fucking shower together as soon as we get home. Find us a bed and –”

He cuts himself off with a shivering groan. Regrettably, he also pulls away from the kisses to press his forehead to Castiel’s shoulder. The movements of Dean’s hips stutter and he’s not moving as smoothly as he did before. Is he getting close to his orgasm? Dean answers the unasked question by stopping altogether and pulling away. His hands fumble at his belt, slipping on the button of his jeans. Castiel watches, intrigued, as Dean frees his erection and guides Castiel’s hand to it.

“Can you – Please?” Dean groans as Castiel’s fingers curl around him and his head drops back. “Oh, _fuck_ _yes_. Like this, okay?” He keeps his hand over Castiel’s and guides him into how to stroke him in the way that he likes. “Just like this. I return the favour in a sec, okay? Just –”

“I’m in no rush, Dean.” Castiel cups his face with his other hand and draws Dean back in for a kiss. “I’m more than happy to bring you to orgasm first.” And he’s rather surprised by how badly he wants to see what expression Dean makes when he comes. He’s seen plenty of Dean’s expressions over the years that they’ve known each other, but this is a rare first and he wants to catalogue it away in his memories for when they’re all that he’ll have left of Dean.

Dean makes a soft sound that’s nearly a whimper and he covers his crotch with both hands. His whole body twitches in surprise and Castiel feels something warm and wet dribble over the back of his hand. A full body shudder shakes Dean’s body for a moment before he sags forward against him again. “Goddammit.”

“Is something wrong?” Castiel is curious that they might have done something wrong looks down at the mess on all their hands and frowns. Dean covered himself so that he wouldn’t get their clothing dirty, but they still have nothing to clean themselves with.

With a laugh, Dean leans back slightly and fixes Castiel with a shaky smile. “I’m so uncool. You’re the virgin here and I came before you.”

“Cool is a relative concept and has no appeal to me. You’re my favourite human regardless of what you do.” He shrugs as he tries using the dirt floor of the cave to wipe his hand off. It takes away most of the mess and the rest he rubs off on his shirt. They can throw it in the next river them come across for a bit of a clean then. Or, if it bothers him enough, he’ll just use his grace to fix everything about his f– although that would be a waste of it and would draw Leviathans to them.

That makes Dean laugh even more and he leans to the side to do the same. “You sure know how to make a guy feel special, Cas.” There are heavy tones of fondness in his voice and Castiel likes hearing it. Will Dean always sound like that from now on? If so, Castiel could get used to it – though he knows that he shouldn’t. Not with what he’s planning to do when they reach the exit.

“You are special, Dean. You always have been.” Castiel graces Dean with a warm smile and brushes his thumb over his cheek. “Not because you’re the Righteous Man, and not because you’re Michael’s Vessel. You’re special to me because you’re _Dean_ and you are irreplaceable.”

“Don’t go getting sappy on me.” Dean ducks his head, but there’s heat rising in his face and a smile on his lips. “You know I don’t go for those chick flick moments.”

That is blatantly untrue, but Castiel will refrain from calling him out on it. There is still a pressing issue of his own to be dealt with and Dean promised that he would be the one to handle it. The need for orgasm is like an irritating itch under his skin, but it could easily be ignored if he wanted to. His grace is just separated from this body enough that it wouldn’t take much to completely forget the feeling of it until it went away. But he doesn’t _want_ to do that. Castiel wants to know what it would feel like to have Dean’s hand on him. It certainly looked like he enjoyed it when it was Castiel touched him.

After Dean tucks himself away and does up his belt again, he flashes a wide smile at Castiel. “Your turn- whoa!” He grabs Castiel’s hands to stop him from pushing his pants down. “Let me do it.”

If he wants to do what little undressing will be done, then who is Castiel to stop him? It’s not like they can fully remove his pants anyways. Dean is still firmly situated in his lap and he doesn’t look like he’s going to be moving any time soon. All they’re going to be able to do is pull the hem of the pants and boxers down enough to free his erection. There’s nothing _exciting_ about that, is there? Was Castiel supposed to want to be the one to undress Dean too? Did he fail in that regard or does Dean not care about that?

Castiel ponders on those thoughts as he withdraws his hands and holds them out of the way. Deal pulls back his clothing with the same single minded focus that Castiel is used to seeing in him during fights or when he’s fixing the Impala. He’s never seen Dean look at _him_ like that and it sends a spiralling thrill through his grace. That thrill explodes like fireworks when Dean’s hand closes around his erection for the first time and he can’t help but gasp in surprise.

“Good, right?” Dean grins at him and leans in to press a kiss to his slack mouth. “Skin on skin feels fucking awesome, but it gets even better when you actually fuck.”

He finds that hard to imagine but he’ll take Dean’s word on it for now. For the first time in his life, words feel beyond him and he opts not to use them. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean’s shoulders and holds him close for kisses. It’s a shame whenever Dean pulls away from them and he won’t be given the chance to do it again. Not while his hands are working magic in Castiel’s lap with something as simple as stroking his erection.

“Hey, Cas? Have you thought about it?” Dean keeps trying to talk through the kisses and Castiel honestly doesn’t mind it – even though he doesn’t know what Dean is asking about. “Have you thought about how we’d have sex?”

Castiel shakes his head, but shudders under Dean’s hands. He’s honestly never considered sex with Dean before, but he’s more than happy to hear about it. Dean is probably chock full of ideas. Since his words are having just as much an effect on Castiel as what his hands are doing, it seems prudent to ask for some elaboration on that front.

“Tell me.” Castiel breathes into their kisses, daring to open his eyes and see how Dean registers his request. “Tell me what you’ve thought about.”

The smile on Dean’s lips spreads into a wide grin. He leans forward until every word is a hushed whisper made directly into Castiel’s ear. “You wanna hear about how I’ve imagined fucking you, Cas? How I’ve thought about spreading you out on your trench coat and peeling away the layers of your suit until you’re naked and vulnerable under me?”

Dean is talking about his vessel, but this is _his_ body now. It’s just a little difficult to remember that. Dean is human and his attraction is to a human body, but as far as Dean is concerned, Jimmy’s body _is_ Castiel’s. Because his true body is one that Dean is never going to be able to touch or see. He won’t even be able to truly comprehend it, no matter how Castiel tries to describe his form.

“You wanna know how often I’ve jerked off thinking about you blowing me?” The words continue and they make Castiel shiver every time. “About having your lips wrapped around me? Or being on my knees in front of you while you’re fucking my mouth?”

Oh, but that isn’t even something Castiel considered. Would that more pleasurable than having Dean use his hand? Would a tongue be able to replicate whatever it is that Dean is doing when he twists his wrist on the upstroke? How does the wet heat of a mouth differ from the rough skin of a hand? When can he find out about that?

“Or maybe you want to know about how I’ve thought about bending you over the hood of the Impala?” Dean’s voice is a deep purr in Castiel’s ear. It sends shivers down his spine and right into his grace. “About how I’ve thought about opening you up with my fingers before I fuck you? How I want to make you sweat, moan, writhe and call out for me?”

A soft whine echoes in Castiel’s throat. “ _Dean_.” It feels like the burning power of his grace is gathering in his belly, a boiling liquid pleasure that can’t be contained.

“You gonna come for me, Cas?” Dean moves from his ear to his mouth again. His eyes are wide and bright, like he absolutely can’t wait to see this. “You close?”

How is he supposed to know? He’s never done this before. This is completely new to him. Castiel holds on to Dean with an iron grip, clutching at his arms while his body tenses. A loud moan spills from his lips and his head falls back. That growing feeling in his belly expands with the force of an explosion, taking over his whole body. He shakes and shivers his way through what must be an orgasm as Dean continues stroking him through the rest of it.

Castiel’s body feels sensitive and soon Dean’s touch becomes too much. He has to push his hands away while his vessel struggles to breathe. Dean looks far too pleased with himself as he rubs his hand clean in the dirt beside them. While Castiel stays slumped against the cave wall, Dean takes it upon himself to pull his pants back up.

“Y’know what we could use right now?” Dean asks as he adjusts Castiel’s clothing. “A bath. How about it? Let’s go find the nearest body of water and take a goddamn bath.”

A hum rumbles in Castiel’s chest, but he doesn’t make any effort to move. His body feels heavy and he can barely even bring himself to open his eyes. He hums when Dean touches his face and leans in to kiss him. The kiss is soft and carries the unmistakable sense of _love_ to it. Castiel’s grace reaches out for it, like he’s starving for it. He doesn’t want to let go of this feeling or of Dean. That feeling manifests itself in the way he folds his arms around Dean’s back and holds him close, burying his face against his neck and breathing him in.

“Can we just stay like this for a little while longer?”

Dean immediately relaxes against him, shifting until he’s comfortable. “Yeah, Cas. Of course we can.”

A bath can wait. A bath is something Castiel can have once the exit is closed and Dean is safely on the other side of it. This, however, is a limited thing. There will come a time very soon before he won’t be allowed it again.

“Was that okay, Cas?” There’s a tone of uncertainty to Dean’s voice, trembling under the surface of his words. “I mean, you were okay with that? Wasn’t too fast or too soon for you?”

How sweet it is that Dean wants to make sure he was comfortable with everything that just happened. It makes Castiel hug him tighter. “That was very okay, Dean.” He presses a kiss to the skin under his lips. “Thank you.”

“Y’don’t gotta thank me for sexy things, Cas. That’s just weird.” Dean laughs and returns the kiss to a spot under Castiel’s ear. “Unless you’re thanking me for finally making a move? Either way. Not something I need thanking for. This is enough.” And he squeezes Castiel in his hug as emphasis.

Benny’s words from earlier today ring in the back of Castiel’s mind. He said they were barely days away from the exit. There is a time limit on how long Castiel will get to make his memories with Dean. In a few days he won’t be able to hold him again. And he won’t be able to tell him how he truly feels. They’ve only used actions to get that across so far.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?” He tries to sit back, but Castiel tightens his grip to keep him from moving.

This might be more than Dean is willing to say right now, especially knowing his aversion to _sappy_ things, but Castiel wants to say it. He wants Dean to know for certain that regardless of what’s going to happen in a few days, he gave form to these words and they are the truth. “I love you.”

Castiel can feel Dean’s smile against the side of his neck. He can feel how the hug tightens to a point that might hurt a normal human. Dean’s voice is softer than Castiel’s. It’s barely a whisper, but Dean manages it nonetheless. “Me too, Cas. Me too.”

It’s bittersweet to hear Dean say that. Those words are ones that Castiel plans to cling to. He’ll hold them near and dear in the place of Dean when they reach the exit from Purgatory. He’ll keep them forefront in his mind when he forces Dean through the exit ahead of him and lets it close before he goes through. When he is alone in Purgatory with nothing but his memories, these words will keep him warm as he lets go of the man he loves more than anything in all creation.

**END**


End file.
